Three Month Progress Report on “The 25”

September 25th marked three months since I started this project. In just three months, I feel like I’ve lived a completely different life than I expected. My summer was filled with lots of laughs, confusion, friends, romance, sadness, uncertainty, serendipity, warmth, anxiety and so much introspection I’m just tired of thinking about myself.

This blog took a different turn than I had expected. But let’s be honest, my life did as well. Almost all sense of focus and planning I had done for the past few months changed in an instant and in a way I couldn’t have prepared for. I hope for the next three months, I can work more specifically on many of my 25 goals. That being said, I’m actually quite proud of what I’ve accomplished. I’ve struggled to keep the 25 in the front of my brain at all times but retrospectively, I found that I’m actually completing more than I thought.

1. Finish this project

• Well, I’m still writing. Not as regularly as I’d like and I wish my posts were more engaging, but it’s a process and I’m still going.

2. Go to the doctor regularly-

• I made two doctors appointments in the past three months! I still have two more to go but this is a big step considering it had been years.

3. Run a race

• Does my life count?! Actually, this is something I think I’ll be saving for the Spring.

4. Call my family more often

• This has not happened and in fact, has actually gotten worse. My anger with my family has increased in the past couple of months and that is mostly due to them being virtually absent from my life. This task will be tough to complete and right now, I’m not ready.

5. Finish a book every month

• It’s been 3 months and I’ve read two books. Need to step this one up.

6. Win my war with weight

• It will be a while before I “win my war with weight.” However, I’ve lost 21 pounds since May! That means, I’ve lost the 20 lbs I gained over the past year and I’m still going. Physically, it’s been a while since I’ve felt “okay.”

7. Volunteer for something

• Still deciding what this is.

8. Become physically stronger

• Due to financial reasons, I had to lose my boxing trainer. As I mentioned in a previous post, this was so incredibly difficult for me. While I’ve lost weight, I wouldn’t say I’ve become physically stronger.

9. Keep my apartment clean and organized

• Hmm… failed. Look, there are a million excuses for this but the fact of the matter is, my life has been so busy the past three months that I’ve barely been home enough to keep up with it. Seriously need to work on this one.

10. Let go of a lot of my anger

• This feels too complicated to even begin to gauge. I’d say, on the whole, I feel like I’m actively seeking another emotion besides anger as a first reaction to things.

11. Take my mom to dinner

• Done! This was one of the very first things I accomplished and I loved it…and so did she.

12. Keep a gratitude journal

• I haven’t started this. I suppose I will today.

13. Embrace therapy

• Done! I’ve spoken about beginning therapy in this blog. It was so scary and so overwhelming but I’m so happy I got over my shit to actually go through with it. The reasons I wanted to go to therapy aren’t what I’ve ended up talking about the past few months but I will get there…and I’m committed to the process.

14. Take a vacation

• Not yet.

15. Have a meaningful romantic relationship

• It’s pretty hard to have a “meaningful romantic relationship” in just three months. It’s been a summer of dating and figuring out what I want and what I need. I haven’t spoken in this blog about the more “consistent” romantic “relationship” I had the past 3 months. I say “consistent” and “relationship” in quotes because really, it was not fully one or the other. Even now, as I search to find the words to describe what I went through with this other person… I can’t. I’ve been relying on song lyrics for the past few months to do this for me.

16. Do something that scares me

• Um. Well. The past three months have scared me! Everything I’ve contemplated in these past months have been scarier than anything else I can remember. However, when I wrote this task, I envisioned it being a more tangible experience.

17. Stand up in my personal and professional relationships

• Overall, I think I’ve made an improvement in this department. I’ve tried to recognize my passiveness and stand up for my self-worth whenever possible.

18. Release some guilt

• Not exactly.

19. Learn a new skill

• I learned how to box which was so challenging but so much fun. I’m still trying to get my best friend to teach me guitar but somehow she keeps getting out of it.

20. Chase my dream job and find contentment

• Without a doubt, I have worked on this task more than any other one in the past three months. I haven’t given up my dream of reporting and am closer to it now than I ever was. This has been the most difficult task for me but I’m still sticking to it… no matter how much anxiety it’s causing me.

21. Write this blog and write for pleasure

• My writing in this blog hasn’t been as consistent as I like and I have yet to just write for pleasure.

22. Entertain at my home

• Done! I’ve had quite a few dinner parties and “girls nights” at my place. I only hope to do more.

23. Understand when to hold on and let go

• Wow. Well. I’m not sure I have answer to this one.

24. Do something for someone else every day

• Yes. Absolutely. So much more conscious of this.

25. Find a sense of peace.

• I’ve found moments of peace but this, too, is a process.

And here’s to the next three months…. Thank you for sticking around this long and following my journey and sharing yours with me. Really, thank you.

 

 

June 25th

 

 

September 25th

 

Currently listening to…

Song: Let It Go

Artist: Tenth Avenue North

The first goodbye

Last night was my last boxing session with Morgan, my trainer. I had been planning on continuing my sessions with him past my original package, but now with the loss of my job, I will no longer be able to afford it. Therapy is costing me so much money (no, my insurance doesn’t cover it) every month and I had to make the decision that my mental health was more important in this time in my life.

Morgan told me he would always be there and to keep him posted on what I will be doing next. When my job ends, I might be able to take some of his classes that are during the day so that provides the slightest bit of solace in this. But not much. I’m not done boxing and I’m not done working with Morgan. It’s just too soon to be over. As I walked away he hugged me, said, “keep me posted, love” and I couldn’t even look at him. I dropped my eyes, shook my head and walked away. Tears rolled down my face as I grabbed my stuff from the locker room and walked out the door. This was my first goodbye.

This transitional period would be much easier if I was leaving New York and knew where I was going. But the ambiguity of what is going on leaves me feeling unsettled and scared. I’m one step away from sending my stuff out for reporting jobs across the country. It’s an intense process to prepare for. I’ve gotten some wonderful feedback from family, friends and most importantly, former colleagues in the industry about my tape so that has given me more hope than I felt before. The overwhelming response has been, “You were born to do this. There is no better time than now. We can’t wait to watch you on TV.” The constant battle is telling myself all of those things.

I know I speak a lot in this blog about my friendships and how important and wonderful they are to me. I almost feel like I can’t say it enough. I never knew I’d be this lucky to have some incredible friends around me. They are the family I always wanted, never got, and created for myself.

It’s sad to say, but I have virtually no relationship with my family (reallllly pushing myself to work on #4 of my list.) Some of my family members are like strangers to me and I grew up around them my entire life. My mom is the oldest of 7 kids in a big Italian family, so I have plenty of Aunts and Uncles and cousins. Through years of family drama, we became “that family.” The family that more or less speaks out of obligation. And they don’t even speak to me. They don’t know me, I don’t know them and in some ways, neither of us have even tried. In fact, none of them even know I have this blog. I think they’d be shocked to know what kind of life I’ve lived in New York. SHOCKED. They only hear about the “important stuff” through my mom (ie. graduation, new job) and I only see them on holidays or a random trip home. I find no comfort in them. Not one single person from my family picked up the phone to wish me a Happy 25th Birthday. I got an email, a free e-card and 3 Facebook messages.

So when I talk about the impact my friends have on my life, it’s magnified by the fact that they are the closest thing I’ve ever known to family. They are the people that I can be myself around, that love me no matter what, that call me out on my shit. They have my back when someone wrongs me. They are the ones that ask me everyday how I’m doing with my reporting job search and if I need any help. They keep me honest and they keep me sane. They love me even when I feel like I’m going insane. And I try to be everything to them and more. So when I get sad about leaving New York, so much of that is leaving my family here.

Four of my best girlfriends during my junior year of college (T to B: Lauren, Ashlyn, me and Amber)

The four of us again on my 25th Birthday...closer than ever.

On another note, I’m working towards making up not completing #5 (finish one book every month) for the months of July and August. Although I’m a bigggg Democrat, I find Meghan McCain to be so interesting and her take on the Republican party has always fascinated me. In some ways, she reminds me of myself. More than slightly rebellious, tattooed, very into music, into politics, non-conformist, blogger and constantly questioning everything around her. I’m close to half-way done with her new book, “Dirty Sexy Politics” and I’m loving it… obviously I am by the fact that it came out 4 days ago and I can’t put it down.

Somehow the world sends me Kevin Devine lyrics for every moment in my life.

“The city has left you alone

Squinting at an address

With a car service on hold

You keep waiting on redemption,

But isn’t waiting getting old?

You shut your eyes.

The city clears its throat:

“On with the show.”

Currently listening to…

Song: Kill the Messenger

Artist: Jack’s Mannequin

And there were so many fewer questions, when stars were still just the holes to heaven…

Sometimes I think I avoid writing in this blog because whatever is going on in my life is so overwhelming at the time, that to rehash it here makes it just another way I have to deal.

In the past week or so, a lot has happened. For one, I found out that due to budget cuts in our project, my job with my production company would be ending a lot sooner than I thought. I have worked for some nasty people over the years and I can honestly say that right now, I’m working with some of the nicest and smartest people around. After the year of hell I had working for that “talk show,” finding this job and these people seems like a true gift. It’s allowed me to grow as a Producer and also allowed me to actually have a life…since it wasn’t sucking one out of me.

Because of this recent news, I’m forced to make a decision a lot sooner than I thought. And that decision is… that I will be leaving New York City to pursue my lifelong dream of becoming a reporter. I think that might be the first time I ever actually typed those words out. This decision isn’t as exciting as you’d think it might be. “Following my dream” means giving up the life I love and adore in New York City and unfortunately, they are mutually exclusive.

New York City is the only place I’ve felt at home, the only place where I have family and the place where my best friends in the world are. In New York, I’ve completely transformed my life and who I am, who I thought I was and who I wanted to be. New York City has given me the greatest successes and the biggest failures but in that, I am stronger than I’ve ever known. To leave this life for the unknown seems to leave me breathless….and by that, I mean, unable to catch my breath. I knew it would be hard but I never thought it would knock me down like this.

I’ve been kicking ass at #13 on my list…embracing therapy. I’m so happy that I finally let go of my shit to actually go through with being in therapy. There is no shame surrounding it and in fact, I only wish I had the guts to do it sooner. Life is funny like that…I started seeing my therapist before I knew about my job ending and now that life is completely throwing me a curve ball, I’m so thankful I have this outlet. Not to mention, I have the greatest friends in the entire world and above anything else, they are my saving grace. (Sidenote: When I was sitting in my therapist’s office waiting to go in, there was a copy of the New York Times Sunday Magazine with the “What is it about 20-Somethings?” article on the cover, sitting on the table next to me. Coincidence. I think not.)

In the past week or so since this chain of events has happened, I’ve been viewing everything from a different lens. I’m spending as much time as possible with my friends. I’m distancing myself from people and things that make me feel less than good. I have a different perspective on my own personal self-worth and have been working towards making sure others understand that, too (#17.)  I’m walking down the street differently….wondering how much longer I have to breathe in my city. Suddenly some things matter so much and some things don’t matter at all.

I know I will be okay. I know I will survive. I always do. But if one more person tells me, “it’s all going to work out,” I might punch them. It’s kind of like what I said about my friend, Daniel. Those cliche lines rarely have any positive effect on me and I relate most to people who say, “yeah, Sam. This is really fucking tough.”

Because you know what? This is really fucking tough.

Song: Candy

Artist: Lovedrug

This is where I am right now.

Cliff Notes

How many days is it until something becomes a habit? 21? 28? 66? I need to start making my blogging a ritual. Here is a recap of what’s been going on the past few weeks…

– Went to D.C. with my best girlfriends from college. Survived 100+ degree weather. Fulfilled a lifelong dream of seeing Dorothy’s Ruby Slippers in person. Since I was little, my mom told me where they “lived” and at 25, I finally got to see their home. I stayed with my friend, Lauren, and being with her reminded me how much I miss her in my daily life. Lauren and I speak the same language and teach other new words in our lives so we can understand each other more and more. She’s one of the most wonderful people I know and I’m glad we can be there for each other while we go through our separate “quarter-life crisis’.”

And here they are...my childhood and my future all in one glass box

Posing behind the ruby slippers...can you see the excitement on my face?

College girlfriends in the Smithsonian (L to R: Leighanne, Lauren, Ashlyn, me)

Lauren and I about to go into our 3D ride

Last night in D.C. with my Lauren

– Reunited with my (other) best friend from college. Jessica was my sophomore year roommate and during college we never lived more than a few blocks from each other. She was my other half and the closest thing I’ve known to a soul mate. We finished each other’s sentences, laughed at each others jokes, cried at each other’s pain and celebrated in each other’s joy. Life took over and we moved to different boroughs. Our worlds separated little by little until we only spoke on birthday’s and Christmas. Even through our space, Jessica has remained a constant part of my heart and forever will be. We met for dinner last week and it was if no time had passed. I’m so happy that we let go of whatever we held onto the past year and rekindled our deep love for each other.  (#23)

Jessica and I at the San Gennarro Fest during junior year of college...with our favorite, Vodka Pizza!

Jess and I at my 21st birthday party

Jess and I at my 21st birthday party out the top of the stretch hummer...our all-time favorite picture together ever

– As of last week, I’ve officially lost 15 pounds. It’s taking me a little longer than I’d like but my summer has been just too good to lose any nights out to the gym. Every Wednesday I meet with Morgan, my incredible boxing trainer. He pushes me so hard, yells at me when I mess up and forces me to focus on myself for at least 30 minutes each week. And at the end of every session, he tells me I’ve done a good job and gives me a hug. Morgan might be the only man in my life who hasn’t made me feel ashamed of myself and who takes a genuine interest in my life and my well-being. Sometimes when I’m boxing, it will get very intense and I’m sweating and my clothes are sticking to me and my shirt is riding up. I start to feel uncomfortable and I can’t fix it because I have my big boxing gloves on. He can always tell when I feel that way and in between the punches, he will reach over and pull my shirt down and pull my yoga pants up so I feel comfortable enough to keep going. He doesn’t realize how much it means to me when he does that. (#6 and #8)

Working my way up to letting someone take a picture of me boxing...until now, these are what my gloves look like

– I made one of my first doctors appointments in years today. As you know, #2 of this list is to take care of myself and actually go to the doctor. So, I took the first step and I have an appointment next week.

– And, #13 of this list is to embrace therapy. The past week or so has been a little rough. I’ve felt a little overwhelmed, tired, lost and sad. After speaking at length with one of my friend’s who is in therapy, she finally convinced me to pick up the phone and just make the call. I feel a little odd writing that on this blog but part of this process is some level of transparency, right?

– Met up with my friend, Melissa, who I lost touch with this past year, too. We went through some rough times and there was a lot of hurt on both of our parts. But part of this year for me is about letting go of anger and I was able to do that with Melissa so we could move on and get back to the core of our friendship. I’m so thankful that I’ve built such strong bonds with my friends so that even when we go through year’s like the one that just passed, we can still look at each other and just say, “I love you.”

Melissa and I...New Years Eve 2008

Melissa and I last week

– I’ve gotten halfway through a book and I’m forcing myself to read my book instead of my Glamour magazine on the subway home. (#5)

And so I end this post with a section of my book, “Women, Food and God” by Geneen Roth, that really resonated with me…

Hell is wanting to be somewhere different from where you are. Being one place and wanting to be somewhere else. Being constantly agitated–another word for non-accepting–about the inevitable. Being in a relationship with someone and refusing to surrender to the love because you don’t want to give yourself to something you will eventually lose.

That’s called living in hell: refusing to love because you want the endgame to be different than it is. Wanting life to be different from what it is.

That’s also called leaving without leaving. Dying before you die. It’s as if there is a part of you that so rails against being shattered by love that you shatter yourself first. Another name for this pattern? Obsession.

Song: Your Tester Bunny

Artist: Kyle Andrews

About The Twenty Five Project

I have challenged myself to complete 25 changes to my mind, body and soul in my 25th year. In the 25 days leading up to my 25th birthday, I wrote down one thing every day I wanted to accomplish during this next year. This blog will chronicle that journey.

Check out the yellow box. From 6/1/10 to 6/25/10

Every single thing I wrote down has a purpose in my life. I was careful to not choose things I know I wouldn’t be able to change. I was also careful to pick things that would challenge me on a larger scale.

My Rules

• Does not need to be completed in any specific order
• Does not need to be completed at one time
• Forgive myself if I fall short
• Become fully aware of the lesson
• Write everything down.

And my 25 are…

1. Finish this project

• In many ways, this seems very daunting and it would be like me to find a million excuses to not finish this or brush it aside…but not this year.

2. Go to the doctor regularly

• I don’t go to the doctor. Ever. I worked on a health care show for almost a year and only went to the dermatologist…once. In the quest to change my mind and my body, I need to take control of my health.

3. Run a race

• I really wish I liked running. It’s good for you in so many ways but my god, I hate running. It’s bores me to tears. I’ve always pictured crossing the finish line of a race and working towards that goal.

4. Call my family more often

• I’m very close to my mom. I’m an only child with divorced parents and an absent father. While my goal is not to build a relationship with my paternal family (they’ve never been part of my life and I don’t want them to be now), I think it’s a shame that I speak to virtually no members of my maternal family and my mom is very close to them. They’ve “been in my life” forever but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized they weren’t really. Living in New York and away from Chicago hasn’t helped this but in order to complete this task, I’ll need to explore why we’re not close in the first place.

5. Finish a book every month

• I love to read. Spending hours in Barnes and Noble is heavenly to me. You wouldn’t know that based on the number of books I’ve completed in the past few years.I’m notorious for starting a book and putting it down. I opt for my magazines on the subway and watch TV before I fall asleep.

6. Win my war with weight

• This is a very sensitive subject for me and one I knew I would be embarrassed to publicly address. I’ve struggled with my weight since puberty and my fear is that if I don’t get complete control of it now, I will never feel comfortable and I will always struggle. For my 25th birthday, I asked my mother to split the cost with me of a personal trainer. It will be one of the hardest things I’ve done but I’m excited for the challenge. I’m not naive enough to think that winning my war with weight is all about going to the gym. It’s about changing my relationship to food and I need to change that now.

7. Volunteer for something

• It’s no secret that giving back to others actually gives back to yourself. I will not be too busy to volunteer for a good cause.

8. Become physically stronger

• I’ve never been an athlete. I have no muscle and I’m not strong. In working with my trainer, I’m hoping this will change.

9. Keep my apartment clean and organized

• I’m the queen of walking in the front door and throwing my purse, shoes, coat, mail on a chair in my living room. By Friday, after a week of doing this, I’ve accumulated a bunch of crap that usually doesn’t get put away until two weeks later. I’ll try on clothes and leave them in a pile for weeks. While my apartment is never “dirty,” it never stays neat for more than a few days. I have a lovely apartment and I want to keep it that way.

10. Let go of a lot of my anger

• To try to explain this in an introductory paragraph doesn’t do justice to the larger issue. Am I an “angry person”? No. Does residual anger about my past and my childhood sink into every part of my life and is it becoming more noticeable to me? Yes.

11. Take my mom to dinner

• Every child thinks they have the best mom in the world and I really do. As we age, we begin to notice our parents as people with flaws. While I notice those things more now and I’m am sometimes critical, I also am understanding what a wonderfully kind, patient and beautiful person my mom is. My mom has given me everything I’ve wanted and while a simple dinner doesn’t repay her for that, it’s a small way for me to feel like I’m treating her.

12. Keep a gratitude journal

• On a broader scale, I realize how lucky I am in this life. I’m an incredibly appreciative person and I want a constant reminder of what I’m thankful for each day.

13. Embrace therapy

• I’ve been resisting going to therapy for years now. I think therapy is a great thing for people and it would probably be a great thing for me. However, I’m been resistant to this in the past because it seems so incredibly daunting.

14. Take a vacation

• In all actuality, I probably can’t afford this but taking a vacation doesn’t mean going to Europe.

15. Have a meaningful romantic relationship

• I’ve had two important relationships in my life. Both weren’t right for very different reasons. Marriage is on the horizon in the next few years and I don’t feel ready for that in the slightest.

16. Do something that scares me

• I’m not going to skydive, bungee jump, eat bugs or run naked through Manhattan.

17. Stand up in my personal and professional relationships

• This year I had one of the worst jobs of my life. On paper, it looks great but in actuality, I don’t wish it upon my worst enemy. I worked for a group of people that were bully’s…and that’s a nice way of saying. Had I known my own voice, it might not have been so traumatic. In my friendships, I’m so scared of disappointing people or giving anyone a reason to walk away. Instead, I’ll stay passive, internalize an issue, get upset and then cut people off. I definitely have the wrong approach.

18. Release some guilt

• I carry around so much guilt you’d think I was Catholic.

19. Learn a new skill

• I love to learn. I’m the queen of Googling everything and everything. I know how to cook and I sorta know how to knit. Time for something new.

20. Chase my dream job and find contentment

• Since I was little, my dream has been to be a reporter. In this past year, I’ve realized that there is no reason I shouldn’t follow that dream. I’ve been relatively unhappy with my jobs since college (although they were in TV and looked “important”) and that could be because I haven’t been doing what I’ve always wanted.

21. Write this blog and write for pleasure

• I’ve always considered myself a writer. Whether I’m writing an email, a thank-you card or a text message, it’s something I’ve always enjoyed doing. I love words and vocabulary and grammar and my thoughts.

22. Entertain at my home

• I absolutely adore my apartment. It’s spacious, affordable, cute, and “homey.” More people need to share this space with me.

23. Understand when to hold on and let go

• In everything.

24. Do something for someone else every day

• I also hope this blog does something for someone else.

25. Find a sense of peace.

I hope you’ll join me and start your own list of 25.