Three Month Progress Report on “The 25”

September 25th marked three months since I started this project. In just three months, I feel like I’ve lived a completely different life than I expected. My summer was filled with lots of laughs, confusion, friends, romance, sadness, uncertainty, serendipity, warmth, anxiety and so much introspection I’m just tired of thinking about myself.

This blog took a different turn than I had expected. But let’s be honest, my life did as well. Almost all sense of focus and planning I had done for the past few months changed in an instant and in a way I couldn’t have prepared for. I hope for the next three months, I can work more specifically on many of my 25 goals. That being said, I’m actually quite proud of what I’ve accomplished. I’ve struggled to keep the 25 in the front of my brain at all times but retrospectively, I found that I’m actually completing more than I thought.

1. Finish this project

• Well, I’m still writing. Not as regularly as I’d like and I wish my posts were more engaging, but it’s a process and I’m still going.

2. Go to the doctor regularly-

• I made two doctors appointments in the past three months! I still have two more to go but this is a big step considering it had been years.

3. Run a race

• Does my life count?! Actually, this is something I think I’ll be saving for the Spring.

4. Call my family more often

• This has not happened and in fact, has actually gotten worse. My anger with my family has increased in the past couple of months and that is mostly due to them being virtually absent from my life. This task will be tough to complete and right now, I’m not ready.

5. Finish a book every month

• It’s been 3 months and I’ve read two books. Need to step this one up.

6. Win my war with weight

• It will be a while before I “win my war with weight.” However, I’ve lost 21 pounds since May! That means, I’ve lost the 20 lbs I gained over the past year and I’m still going. Physically, it’s been a while since I’ve felt “okay.”

7. Volunteer for something

• Still deciding what this is.

8. Become physically stronger

• Due to financial reasons, I had to lose my boxing trainer. As I mentioned in a previous post, this was so incredibly difficult for me. While I’ve lost weight, I wouldn’t say I’ve become physically stronger.

9. Keep my apartment clean and organized

• Hmm… failed. Look, there are a million excuses for this but the fact of the matter is, my life has been so busy the past three months that I’ve barely been home enough to keep up with it. Seriously need to work on this one.

10. Let go of a lot of my anger

• This feels too complicated to even begin to gauge. I’d say, on the whole, I feel like I’m actively seeking another emotion besides anger as a first reaction to things.

11. Take my mom to dinner

• Done! This was one of the very first things I accomplished and I loved it…and so did she.

12. Keep a gratitude journal

• I haven’t started this. I suppose I will today.

13. Embrace therapy

• Done! I’ve spoken about beginning therapy in this blog. It was so scary and so overwhelming but I’m so happy I got over my shit to actually go through with it. The reasons I wanted to go to therapy aren’t what I’ve ended up talking about the past few months but I will get there…and I’m committed to the process.

14. Take a vacation

• Not yet.

15. Have a meaningful romantic relationship

• It’s pretty hard to have a “meaningful romantic relationship” in just three months. It’s been a summer of dating and figuring out what I want and what I need. I haven’t spoken in this blog about the more “consistent” romantic “relationship” I had the past 3 months. I say “consistent” and “relationship” in quotes because really, it was not fully one or the other. Even now, as I search to find the words to describe what I went through with this other person… I can’t. I’ve been relying on song lyrics for the past few months to do this for me.

16. Do something that scares me

• Um. Well. The past three months have scared me! Everything I’ve contemplated in these past months have been scarier than anything else I can remember. However, when I wrote this task, I envisioned it being a more tangible experience.

17. Stand up in my personal and professional relationships

• Overall, I think I’ve made an improvement in this department. I’ve tried to recognize my passiveness and stand up for my self-worth whenever possible.

18. Release some guilt

• Not exactly.

19. Learn a new skill

• I learned how to box which was so challenging but so much fun. I’m still trying to get my best friend to teach me guitar but somehow she keeps getting out of it.

20. Chase my dream job and find contentment

• Without a doubt, I have worked on this task more than any other one in the past three months. I haven’t given up my dream of reporting and am closer to it now than I ever was. This has been the most difficult task for me but I’m still sticking to it… no matter how much anxiety it’s causing me.

21. Write this blog and write for pleasure

• My writing in this blog hasn’t been as consistent as I like and I have yet to just write for pleasure.

22. Entertain at my home

• Done! I’ve had quite a few dinner parties and “girls nights” at my place. I only hope to do more.

23. Understand when to hold on and let go

• Wow. Well. I’m not sure I have answer to this one.

24. Do something for someone else every day

• Yes. Absolutely. So much more conscious of this.

25. Find a sense of peace.

• I’ve found moments of peace but this, too, is a process.

And here’s to the next three months…. Thank you for sticking around this long and following my journey and sharing yours with me. Really, thank you.

 

 

June 25th

 

 

September 25th

 

Currently listening to…

Song: Let It Go

Artist: Tenth Avenue North

As suspected…

…two posts in and I fell off the wagon of posting. How lame is that? Sometimes writing in this blog seems very intimidating. How do I express all of my thoughts in an interesting and coherent way that keeps you engaged but also pushes my story forward? I’m definitely getting “blog shy.”

My summer has been so wonderfully busy that I’m just living day by day waiting for the next adventure. I’ve reconnected with some of my oldest friends and I’m loving every second of what they bring to my life. In so many ways, when I’m with them, it feels like I’m going home. I value my relationships with these girls so deeply and when we’re together, I can’t help but think…”this is how it’s supposed to be.”

The past year of my life was one of the worst ever so now that summer is here, I’m taking full advantage of my freedom, my friendships and as much fun as possible. I’m reconnecting with the city I so dearly love and getting out of my apartment as much as possible. I’m going out, being single, laughing, loving and listening to so much music. It feels like exactly what I should be doing at this moment.

I’m leaving to go home to Chicago on Wednesday and I can’t wait. I haven’t left the city in months and sometimes a few days away from the intensity of NYC recharges you to start it all over again. I’m going to spend time with my mom, see old friends, go to Lilith Fair and just relax. The following weekend I’m heading to DC to see one of my best friend’s from college and to celebrate another’s birthday/going away party. I’m so looking forward to finally going to the Smithsonian to see Dorothy’s shoes…a dream of mine since I was very little.

I read somewhere that readers tend to reject super long blog posts so I’m going to split these updates up so as not to bore you. I also decided that I’m going to end every post the song and lyrics I’m listening to as I write. I’m so envious of songwriters…and so very thankful for them.

Artist: Kevin Devine

Many of my weekends are spent looking at this and it just never gets old

Song: She Stayed as Steam

so you breathe through your mouth
you calm yourself down
and hold what you found
so sweet and profound

About The Twenty Five Project

I have challenged myself to complete 25 changes to my mind, body and soul in my 25th year. In the 25 days leading up to my 25th birthday, I wrote down one thing every day I wanted to accomplish during this next year. This blog will chronicle that journey.

Check out the yellow box. From 6/1/10 to 6/25/10

Every single thing I wrote down has a purpose in my life. I was careful to not choose things I know I wouldn’t be able to change. I was also careful to pick things that would challenge me on a larger scale.

My Rules

• Does not need to be completed in any specific order
• Does not need to be completed at one time
• Forgive myself if I fall short
• Become fully aware of the lesson
• Write everything down.

And my 25 are…

1. Finish this project

• In many ways, this seems very daunting and it would be like me to find a million excuses to not finish this or brush it aside…but not this year.

2. Go to the doctor regularly

• I don’t go to the doctor. Ever. I worked on a health care show for almost a year and only went to the dermatologist…once. In the quest to change my mind and my body, I need to take control of my health.

3. Run a race

• I really wish I liked running. It’s good for you in so many ways but my god, I hate running. It’s bores me to tears. I’ve always pictured crossing the finish line of a race and working towards that goal.

4. Call my family more often

• I’m very close to my mom. I’m an only child with divorced parents and an absent father. While my goal is not to build a relationship with my paternal family (they’ve never been part of my life and I don’t want them to be now), I think it’s a shame that I speak to virtually no members of my maternal family and my mom is very close to them. They’ve “been in my life” forever but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized they weren’t really. Living in New York and away from Chicago hasn’t helped this but in order to complete this task, I’ll need to explore why we’re not close in the first place.

5. Finish a book every month

• I love to read. Spending hours in Barnes and Noble is heavenly to me. You wouldn’t know that based on the number of books I’ve completed in the past few years.I’m notorious for starting a book and putting it down. I opt for my magazines on the subway and watch TV before I fall asleep.

6. Win my war with weight

• This is a very sensitive subject for me and one I knew I would be embarrassed to publicly address. I’ve struggled with my weight since puberty and my fear is that if I don’t get complete control of it now, I will never feel comfortable and I will always struggle. For my 25th birthday, I asked my mother to split the cost with me of a personal trainer. It will be one of the hardest things I’ve done but I’m excited for the challenge. I’m not naive enough to think that winning my war with weight is all about going to the gym. It’s about changing my relationship to food and I need to change that now.

7. Volunteer for something

• It’s no secret that giving back to others actually gives back to yourself. I will not be too busy to volunteer for a good cause.

8. Become physically stronger

• I’ve never been an athlete. I have no muscle and I’m not strong. In working with my trainer, I’m hoping this will change.

9. Keep my apartment clean and organized

• I’m the queen of walking in the front door and throwing my purse, shoes, coat, mail on a chair in my living room. By Friday, after a week of doing this, I’ve accumulated a bunch of crap that usually doesn’t get put away until two weeks later. I’ll try on clothes and leave them in a pile for weeks. While my apartment is never “dirty,” it never stays neat for more than a few days. I have a lovely apartment and I want to keep it that way.

10. Let go of a lot of my anger

• To try to explain this in an introductory paragraph doesn’t do justice to the larger issue. Am I an “angry person”? No. Does residual anger about my past and my childhood sink into every part of my life and is it becoming more noticeable to me? Yes.

11. Take my mom to dinner

• Every child thinks they have the best mom in the world and I really do. As we age, we begin to notice our parents as people with flaws. While I notice those things more now and I’m am sometimes critical, I also am understanding what a wonderfully kind, patient and beautiful person my mom is. My mom has given me everything I’ve wanted and while a simple dinner doesn’t repay her for that, it’s a small way for me to feel like I’m treating her.

12. Keep a gratitude journal

• On a broader scale, I realize how lucky I am in this life. I’m an incredibly appreciative person and I want a constant reminder of what I’m thankful for each day.

13. Embrace therapy

• I’ve been resisting going to therapy for years now. I think therapy is a great thing for people and it would probably be a great thing for me. However, I’m been resistant to this in the past because it seems so incredibly daunting.

14. Take a vacation

• In all actuality, I probably can’t afford this but taking a vacation doesn’t mean going to Europe.

15. Have a meaningful romantic relationship

• I’ve had two important relationships in my life. Both weren’t right for very different reasons. Marriage is on the horizon in the next few years and I don’t feel ready for that in the slightest.

16. Do something that scares me

• I’m not going to skydive, bungee jump, eat bugs or run naked through Manhattan.

17. Stand up in my personal and professional relationships

• This year I had one of the worst jobs of my life. On paper, it looks great but in actuality, I don’t wish it upon my worst enemy. I worked for a group of people that were bully’s…and that’s a nice way of saying. Had I known my own voice, it might not have been so traumatic. In my friendships, I’m so scared of disappointing people or giving anyone a reason to walk away. Instead, I’ll stay passive, internalize an issue, get upset and then cut people off. I definitely have the wrong approach.

18. Release some guilt

• I carry around so much guilt you’d think I was Catholic.

19. Learn a new skill

• I love to learn. I’m the queen of Googling everything and everything. I know how to cook and I sorta know how to knit. Time for something new.

20. Chase my dream job and find contentment

• Since I was little, my dream has been to be a reporter. In this past year, I’ve realized that there is no reason I shouldn’t follow that dream. I’ve been relatively unhappy with my jobs since college (although they were in TV and looked “important”) and that could be because I haven’t been doing what I’ve always wanted.

21. Write this blog and write for pleasure

• I’ve always considered myself a writer. Whether I’m writing an email, a thank-you card or a text message, it’s something I’ve always enjoyed doing. I love words and vocabulary and grammar and my thoughts.

22. Entertain at my home

• I absolutely adore my apartment. It’s spacious, affordable, cute, and “homey.” More people need to share this space with me.

23. Understand when to hold on and let go

• In everything.

24. Do something for someone else every day

• I also hope this blog does something for someone else.

25. Find a sense of peace.

I hope you’ll join me and start your own list of 25.