Sometimes I think I avoid writing in this blog because whatever is going on in my life is so overwhelming at the time, that to rehash it here makes it just another way I have to deal.
In the past week or so, a lot has happened. For one, I found out that due to budget cuts in our project, my job with my production company would be ending a lot sooner than I thought. I have worked for some nasty people over the years and I can honestly say that right now, I’m working with some of the nicest and smartest people around. After the year of hell I had working for that “talk show,” finding this job and these people seems like a true gift. It’s allowed me to grow as a Producer and also allowed me to actually have a life…since it wasn’t sucking one out of me.
Because of this recent news, I’m forced to make a decision a lot sooner than I thought. And that decision is… that I will be leaving New York City to pursue my lifelong dream of becoming a reporter. I think that might be the first time I ever actually typed those words out. This decision isn’t as exciting as you’d think it might be. “Following my dream” means giving up the life I love and adore in New York City and unfortunately, they are mutually exclusive.
New York City is the only place I’ve felt at home, the only place where I have family and the place where my best friends in the world are. In New York, I’ve completely transformed my life and who I am, who I thought I was and who I wanted to be. New York City has given me the greatest successes and the biggest failures but in that, I am stronger than I’ve ever known. To leave this life for the unknown seems to leave me breathless….and by that, I mean, unable to catch my breath. I knew it would be hard but I never thought it would knock me down like this.
I’ve been kicking ass at #13 on my list…embracing therapy. I’m so happy that I finally let go of my shit to actually go through with being in therapy. There is no shame surrounding it and in fact, I only wish I had the guts to do it sooner. Life is funny like that…I started seeing my therapist before I knew about my job ending and now that life is completely throwing me a curve ball, I’m so thankful I have this outlet. Not to mention, I have the greatest friends in the entire world and above anything else, they are my saving grace. (Sidenote: When I was sitting in my therapist’s office waiting to go in, there was a copy of the New York Times Sunday Magazine with the “What is it about 20-Somethings?” article on the cover, sitting on the table next to me. Coincidence. I think not.)
In the past week or so since this chain of events has happened, I’ve been viewing everything from a different lens. I’m spending as much time as possible with my friends. I’m distancing myself from people and things that make me feel less than good. I have a different perspective on my own personal self-worth and have been working towards making sure others understand that, too (#17.) I’m walking down the street differently….wondering how much longer I have to breathe in my city. Suddenly some things matter so much and some things don’t matter at all.
I know I will be okay. I know I will survive. I always do. But if one more person tells me, “it’s all going to work out,” I might punch them. It’s kind of like what I said about my friend, Daniel. Those cliche lines rarely have any positive effect on me and I relate most to people who say, “yeah, Sam. This is really fucking tough.”
Because you know what? This is really fucking tough.
Song: Candy
Artist: Lovedrug
This is where I am right now.
The Twenty Five Project 
Sam when life gets fucking tough…you get tougher….love u….