The first goodbye

Last night was my last boxing session with Morgan, my trainer. I had been planning on continuing my sessions with him past my original package, but now with the loss of my job, I will no longer be able to afford it. Therapy is costing me so much money (no, my insurance doesn’t cover it) every month and I had to make the decision that my mental health was more important in this time in my life.

Morgan told me he would always be there and to keep him posted on what I will be doing next. When my job ends, I might be able to take some of his classes that are during the day so that provides the slightest bit of solace in this. But not much. I’m not done boxing and I’m not done working with Morgan. It’s just too soon to be over. As I walked away he hugged me, said, “keep me posted, love” and I couldn’t even look at him. I dropped my eyes, shook my head and walked away. Tears rolled down my face as I grabbed my stuff from the locker room and walked out the door. This was my first goodbye.

This transitional period would be much easier if I was leaving New York and knew where I was going. But the ambiguity of what is going on leaves me feeling unsettled and scared. I’m one step away from sending my stuff out for reporting jobs across the country. It’s an intense process to prepare for. I’ve gotten some wonderful feedback from family, friends and most importantly, former colleagues in the industry about my tape so that has given me more hope than I felt before. The overwhelming response has been, “You were born to do this. There is no better time than now. We can’t wait to watch you on TV.” The constant battle is telling myself all of those things.

I know I speak a lot in this blog about my friendships and how important and wonderful they are to me. I almost feel like I can’t say it enough. I never knew I’d be this lucky to have some incredible friends around me. They are the family I always wanted, never got, and created for myself.

It’s sad to say, but I have virtually no relationship with my family (reallllly pushing myself to work on #4 of my list.) Some of my family members are like strangers to me and I grew up around them my entire life. My mom is the oldest of 7 kids in a big Italian family, so I have plenty of Aunts and Uncles and cousins. Through years of family drama, we became “that family.” The family that more or less speaks out of obligation. And they don’t even speak to me. They don’t know me, I don’t know them and in some ways, neither of us have even tried. In fact, none of them even know I have this blog. I think they’d be shocked to know what kind of life I’ve lived in New York. SHOCKED. They only hear about the “important stuff” through my mom (ie. graduation, new job) and I only see them on holidays or a random trip home. I find no comfort in them. Not one single person from my family picked up the phone to wish me a Happy 25th Birthday. I got an email, a free e-card and 3 Facebook messages.

So when I talk about the impact my friends have on my life, it’s magnified by the fact that they are the closest thing I’ve ever known to family. They are the people that I can be myself around, that love me no matter what, that call me out on my shit. They have my back when someone wrongs me. They are the ones that ask me everyday how I’m doing with my reporting job search and if I need any help. They keep me honest and they keep me sane. They love me even when I feel like I’m going insane. And I try to be everything to them and more. So when I get sad about leaving New York, so much of that is leaving my family here.

Four of my best girlfriends during my junior year of college (T to B: Lauren, Ashlyn, me and Amber)

The four of us again on my 25th Birthday...closer than ever.

On another note, I’m working towards making up not completing #5 (finish one book every month) for the months of July and August. Although I’m a bigggg Democrat, I find Meghan McCain to be so interesting and her take on the Republican party has always fascinated me. In some ways, she reminds me of myself. More than slightly rebellious, tattooed, very into music, into politics, non-conformist, blogger and constantly questioning everything around her. I’m close to half-way done with her new book, “Dirty Sexy Politics” and I’m loving it… obviously I am by the fact that it came out 4 days ago and I can’t put it down.

Somehow the world sends me Kevin Devine lyrics for every moment in my life.

“The city has left you alone

Squinting at an address

With a car service on hold

You keep waiting on redemption,

But isn’t waiting getting old?

You shut your eyes.

The city clears its throat:

“On with the show.”

Currently listening to…

Song: Kill the Messenger

Artist: Jack’s Mannequin